Monday, February 25, 2008
the last straw.
Another Sunday, another challenge, does it always have to be like that? I’m tired, I’m totally drained out, it’s exhausting me to the bones. I don’t show it because I want to be someone who brings joy to people and not someone who persistently troubles people. I mask it so well, that Caleb said this, “Aiya! You’re so jovial every day, you wouldn’t have any prayer request la.” Aren’t I so good at it? I mask it so well, but I want to come out of the closet, I want to come clean with it. On second thought, I know I’ll be jeopardizing what I already do not have. It went from teasing, to just one sentence, then to eye contact, and now? It’s only a goodbye, if I should even SAY goodbye to him. It hurts me that I took my “best friend’s” word for it that the both of us had chemistry and that he liked me too, my naive ness always gets to me. I trusted you, but looks like I should’ve considered it before even believing. I still want to believe that very little bit, but I know it’ll hurt me so badly, it’ll drain every bit I have left of me. Why did I even like someone whom I know will never ever be someone I’ll even be a friend with? We’re as good as strangers now, if you saw me on the street one day, will you at least smile at me and acknowledge me? Or will you just walk right past me? Part of me wants to know the truth, another part of me is afraid I’ll be scared. This is probably a sign that you and I are just meant to be church mates that don’t greet each other whenever our eyes meet, not even a wave, what more a smile. It’s recurring every year, I really don’t know how long and how much more of it I can take. I realize I’m not as emotionally strong as I thought myself to be, but how much more do I have to go through until I get there? Until I’ve reached the finish line? I guess everything I said about not wanting to get attached while I’m still in poly is really coming true and I realize how much I can actually tolerate. As it is, I think I’ve ran out of steam. I haven’t even past half the hurdle and I’m already giving up, I guess it only shows how much faith I have and how much strength I draw from Him to sustain me. I just hope I will never break down in church ever again, I just don’t like people to see the weak side of me, it’s only so much I can take. I just want to believe that everything’s a nightmare, that everything’s just a bad dream and it’ll pass away, but looks like it might very well stay on until it scars me well before it goes away. I just want to get out of this and move on in life, why am I finding it so hard? The more I try to forget him, the more painful and difficult it is, every time I turn and see you, everything comes rushing back, the current is so strong, it pushes me back and I lose my footing. One after another, it just keeps coming, I really want it to stop right there and then, but looks like it didn’t one came and left, I thought it was over, but no, it wasn’t the case, the next one comes along, and looks like this one is going to stay for long. Today is really last inch of me.
Bring me out of this obstacle, give me the strength to sustain, help me to keep my eyes away from distraction. I know faith and trust will bring me out of this, I know the strength from You is the one and only enough to sustain me.
THROUGH IT ALL - Darlene Zschech
You are forever in my life
You see me through the seasons
Cover me with Your hands
And lead me in Your righteousness
And I look to You and
And I wait on You
Chorus:
I'll sing to You Lord a hymn of love
For Your faithfulness to me
And I’m carried in everlasting arms
You’ll never let me go
Through it all
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
watching the sunset with you
12:34 AM
