Thursday, November 30, 2006
the importance & problems of a friendship.
2006 is coming to an end. it's been an eventful year for me thats for sure. sometimes i just really ponder about how things will change after we graduate. will the bonds b/n the friends we made be lost? or will it always be the same or get better? theres a cliché which says friends are forever, sometimes i really wonder if it's true. they come & they go. you either lose the friendship due to a quarrel, or you just lose it because of the lost of contact. it's true friendships are facile, you either be sociable & open up, or you'll be a loner. but true friends are even harder to find! i do wonder a lot of times who my true friends are, who'll stand-by me when i need someone to be there. ive come to realise that they're the people ive neglected over the year. sometimes even when they needed my help or my listening ears the most, i'll just shrug them off. I’ll cite an example, ivey, Cheryl & i. it’s been a really rough year for us, I made life difficult for them by giving thousand & one pretexts. You name it, ive given it. I even needed faiz & zj to help me patch things up with them, they’re an epitome of people ive neglected. Im glad things between the 3 of us are ok now. Something im definitely ecstatic bout.
Then there’re friendships which distance has definitely become bigger to a state where I don’t even know how to bridge a conversation with the other party. I was talking to someone one day - no names mentioned – and things between the both of us has become so distant sometimes I just feel the awkwardness between the both of us. Maybe we should regulate the meeting ups & all, but we’ve got our different schedules. Now I know how difficult it is to maintain a friendship, when I see the change, I don’t even want to say anything; it could just make things worse.
Then there’re the ones which I think might be lost for good, as much as I want them back, they’ll never come back. Why? Because both parties are eschewing the awkwardness and the situation we got each other into. Maybe it’s good in a way, maybe it’s not. I do concede that the other person has helped me and I do appreciate the times we had together, but maybe they should just be kept in our hearts as memories & never be dug out again. Shehlin said I should be the one starting the conversation, then my ego becomes the centre of the topic. Maybe my pride is always the one which impedes me from patching the friendship back, my pride is the one which makes things difficult. But many a times, people have told me that your ego doesn’t matter if the friendship is priceless. Someone advice me on this please! I’ve been cogitating about it, but im probably eschewing the awkwardness once again.
Then there’re those which are just mutual friendships, maybe these are the best. Why? Because you can just be yourself around them and they wouldn’t say much. You do inane things when they’re melancholy or to help them distress and they’ll just laugh it off. You wouldn’t have to worry if they’ll gossip about you being nonsensical & all. They’re people whom you don’t have to be circumspect about when being around them, you can just be yourself.
When I read this post of mine again, I’ve realize what my biggest problem is, my pride and the awkwardness. Yes, pretexts are another problem, but it’s probably the smaller problem when the whole thing is put together. Then there’s another problem I spotted, I can’t find a common topic between me & the other party. I give that excuse every time, even I get sick of hearing myself saying it! maybe that’s why I can’t maintain the friendships I made. Sometimes my equanimity does come in to. People find me too cantankerous and they keep a distant from me, maybe that’s why even I myself have decided to be more jovial and make the effort to put on a smile. I do admit that I do hide my emotions when certain things bother me, that’s because I want to be considerate and let people focus on their own things. Why make them worry when they have other things to worry about? And sometimes even I myself am SICK of my problems & sick of saying the same old thing. Yes, even I myself am sick of my problems but I don’t seem to make the effort to find a solution to it. People do get bored of it too you know? Sometimes people just want to stray away from you ‘cause of your regular complains & problems, sometimes it can even go to the extent of when people see you, they want to run away from you & hide for good. Of course I don’t complain all that often, the problem lies in ourselves, it’s just a matter of whether we’re aware of it, or whether people need to TELL US. an emotional post, but something worth thinking about.
watching the sunset with you
7:04 PM
